Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Blaze: Chapter 1

Its Boston, 1861 and some guy is fucking some girl. Okay, well not quite fucking... they're groping in a hallway, but they get down to fucking pretty quickly after that. Through all of their pre-boinking cooing we learn that our male is gorgeous, tall, broad shouldered, muscled, tan and an Indian (In the words of my very racist grandfather: Casino 'Indian' not Kwik-e-Mart 'Indian') from Montana. The lady is apparently blonde, covered in miles of silk (her dress is VERY BIG... they allude to its copiousness many times.) and smells faintly of violets. In the span of about three pages we learn our hero is a very prolific lover by watching him go for it with ALL HIS MIGHT. Poor quivering lass never stood a chance against his kisses, blow jobs and virile member. Have I mentioned we are three pages into the book? Cause seriously... coo, coo, grope, pertinent information, fucking. Bif, bam, boom.
The next page and a half is taken up with our introduction to her heroine. She is apparently a few doors down from our hero's hump fest and it bored with being a high-bread lady (la-dy [ley-dee]: (n.) Seventeen and hot as all get out) who isn't allowed to curse or go anywhere alone. Her mom is a frigid bitch and her dad indulges her. And she is bored. whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now the hero is fucking again! For another two pages. I feel like I should be 14 and blushing while reading in public. The last time I needed this much sex in my romance novels I wasn't having any of my own. And its kinda pointless sex too. Yes, he is an AMAZING LOVER who HUMPS LIKE A GOD, but really... haven't we already established that with the previous moment of sexual relations? This just seems excessive.
Once the hero and blonde female have satiated themselves they chit chat a little and we find out he is currently in attendance at Harvard. His father is a tribal chief who sent him to learn "the white man's way" to help bring his tribe into the nineteenth century. There's more cooing and touching and quivering next to each other and we learn that our hero is named Jon Hazard Black. From the amount of fucking this man does I'd say the Hazard nickname is to warn potential hump buddies that it is indeed hazardous to do the naked dance with this man and the MANY MANY DISEASES he must have. Then we find out blonde female has a name (Lillebet) and is his hostess' sister-in-law (see also: married). And then there is another page and a half of fucking. JOY.
Scene cut to Hazard downstairs at some socialite party with his pants back on. He is scanning the crowd and being hotttttttttt in a doorway when the parties' hostess comes up him and... you guessed it! Begs him for sex! So the pants come back off and Hazard is back to doing what he does best, although thankfully it only takes a paragraph this time.

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